Cracking Open

(A photo of last semester's contour.)
Topographically, my first semester at UT looks like a valley. I started on high, powered by a summer of love and joy. A wave of confidence carried me through the stress of classes. My meditation practice helped me put issues in perspective and maintain a stable heart rate. I was really very happy. And then began to descend. I’m not sure how exactly my strong sense of self eroded. But it definitely did. I slipped into stress. Assignments began to feel like attacks on my right to happiness. My perspective shrunk from a nested hierarchy of assignments inside classes inside school inside my education inside my nineteen years of age inside life to a mess of bumbling, competing ideals and duties without much coherence. When you try to walk through a sea of marbles, you never really get anywhere. The ground is perpetually shifting under toe and moving your whole body forward is frustrating when there is nothing stable to press against. Somehow, however, by the end of the semester I found myself on a ledge higher than the one on which I was standing at the semester’s start. Looking back, I think my investigation of Ken Wilber’s work and life inspired me to grab hold in my own. I rejuvenated my meditation practice and began to workout regularly. Taking time to laugh with my friends every night at dinner and have really fascinating conversations balanced my studiousness. I am really excited about picking up this semester where I left off in December.

Reflecting on my descent and ascent last fall, I see a lesson – a big one – materializing. It came to a head over the winter break, when I spent most of my time with my girlfriend and her family. As I spent time in their house, I began to perceive the complexity of their family dynamics. Every family has them, but when first introduced to a new set of dynamics they are particularly striking. Spending so many hours with my girlfriend’s family, I became a part of this complexity. I began to see approaches to healing and food and lifestyle through their perspectives. (Genpo Roshi facilitating Big Mind, a psychotherapeutic meditation exercise that uses voice dialogue to help participants see themselves through different perspectives. By distancing ourselves from the self, we can get a glimpse of the Self. It's a really exciting process.) I even saw glimpses of my own family through an outside perspective. That’s what really hit me hard. Beliefs and habits I have taken for granted for much of my life began to unravel. Why? What benefit do these herbal remedies have? Why don’t you like movies? For the most part, I don’t really know. These aren’t questions my girlfriend or her parents asked me, but questions that I asked myself when I realized that alternative perspectives are out there, indeed, all around me. The shades through which I have judged the world are slipping down the end of my nose. My mother’s beliefs are embedded in my belief system. Now that I have left home, my belief umbilical chord has dried up; my perspective is no longer directly fed by the nutrients at 414 Byrne St. So contexts are cracking, ideas drying up, and my belief system flaking away. I feel a bit like I’m shattering; it’s scary. But I know that I am building a core of Wiley and that’s really exciting.

Building this core is, after all, a large portion of a human life. Last semester added experiences and ideas, some of which I have kept, others of which will fall by the wayside. Each semester will have a topographical contour. If college (life?) is at all like the stock market (should I buy or sell?), then hopefully an overall upward trend will guide my ups and downs. College has been the first time I’ve actually understood that I have to build my own belief system. The lesson is to put myself out there. Express my beliefs, have them challenged, see how others live, smash perspectives together, and may the best one win. It’s easy to forget that we interpret the world through a perspective. It is not the right perspective, as many of our judgments tacitly imply; it is our perspective, my perspective. I want to see with many eyes, and try my best at compassion, even as my own perspective is cracked open, and a new life leaks in.